In a ceremony that instantly became the strangest constitutional moment involving poultry, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he had “formally re-pardoned” all turkeys spared during the Biden years, arguing their original clemency may be invalid because it was issued via autopen.
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In the latest sign that the nation is thriving—nutritionally, economically, and spiritually—Americans have spent $500 million in food stamps at fast-food chains this year. Economists are calling it “the most American use of taxpayer dollars since we paid farmers to hide 10 billion pounds of government cheese in underground bunkers.”
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In a legal drama that could only unfold in the land where kangaroos outnumber politicians with common sense, an Australian inmate has filed an official human-rights complaint demanding unrestricted access to Vegemite — the nation’s favorite salty, fermented metaphor for resilience.
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In what French officials are calling both “a tragedy and a teachable moment,” thieves made off with over $100 million in jewels from the Louvre early Monday morning—after effortlessly bypassing the museum’s security system, which reportedly used “Louvre” as its password.
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In a shocking development that rattled both Capitol Hill and the NASDAQ, Rep. Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from Congress — sparking panic among day traders who’ve long relied on her uncanny ability to “predict” market swings before they happen.
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As America’s penny shortage deepens, businesses from McDonald’s to Mom-and-Pop diners are being forced to rethink how they make change — and how to face the grim new reality that a single copper coin is now worth more than most crypto.
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In a nation divided on nearly everything, there’s one debate that truly exposes the cracks in our civilization: Is a Twix bar food or fun?
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In a bold move that linguists are calling “either avant-garde or a cry for help,” Dictionary.com announced that its 2025 Word of the Year is “6-7′.”
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In a move that has peanut butter lovers nationwide sticking to their seats, The J.M. Smucker Company has filed a lawsuit against Trader Joe’s, accusing the grocer’s new crustless PB&J sandwiches of being “confusingly similar” to Smucker’s beloved Uncrustables.
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Democrats across America were left in collective disarray this week as footage emerged of tens of thousands of Israelis cheering for U.S. President Donald Trump — the very man they had spent years branding as “literally Hitler.”
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A Colorado man who parked at Denver International Airport for just 27 minutes was stunned to receive a bill for nearly $20,000 — but airport officials say it all makes perfect sense.
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Following new NASA research suggesting one of Saturn’s moons could support life, thousands of progressive activists immediately volunteered to leave Earth — preferably before the next election.
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In a shocking move that has left both caffeine addicts and marketing professors scratching their heads, Maxwell House announced today it is officially rebranding itself as “Maxwell Apartment.”
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Israel announced that dozens of activists aboard a Gaza-bound flotilla will be deported after their attempt to breach the naval blockade fizzled out somewhere between the Mediterranean waves and Israeli bureaucracy.
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Engineers in Ukraine proudly announced that power has been fully restored to the Chernobyl nuclear plant after a sudden outage this week. The announcement stunned the public–not because electricity had been restored, but because apparently, Chernobyl is still running.
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As the federal government entered its latest shutdown, something remarkable happened: Americans discovered they could still order coffee, binge Netflix, and argue online without federal oversight.
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In his latest quest to liberate the internet from mediocrity, Elon Musk has unveiled “Grokipedia,” a rival to Wikipedia designed to harness AI’s “superior ability to gaslight humanity at scale.”
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In a move that surprised absolutely no one, congressional lawmakers quietly unloaded shares of Tylenol just before controversy over a possible autism link sent the stock tumbling.
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UFC CEO Dana White’s “60 Minutes” sit-down was supposed to be a serious conversation about culture and combat sports — until testosterone levels allegedly spiked so high in the studio that CBS staff had to call in a hazmat team.
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Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer is warning that a government shutdown is imminent, but ordinary Americans are quietly wondering if that might actually be the best thing to happen to them all year.
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