A newly minted Trump dollar coin reportedly entered an immediate state of monetary envy after learning that America’s discontinued penny had generated $16.76 million at auction.

Hunter Biden’s fictional meme cryptocurrency, $LAPTOP, lost 98% of its value in one hour, giving investors the full Windows 95 experience: early excitement, misplaced confidence, and a blue screen precisely when they needed something to work.

Hunter Biden has reportedly entered the booming cryptocurrency market with a new meme coin inspired by perhaps the most famous piece of personal electronics in American political history: the “Laptop Coin.”

Google executives reportedly entered what insiders described as “full corporate yoga breathing mode” after Google Maps began showing “Lake America” following President Trump’s executive order.

A Georgia teacher has reportedly created a classroom “fart corner,” giving students a designated place to pass gas without missing valuable learning time.A Georgia teacher has reportedly created a classroom “fart corner,” giving students a designated place to pass gas without missing valuable learning time.

A Senate hearing descended into confusion Wednesday after lawmakers discovered that Dr. Anthony Fauci’s testimony was apparently being played from a scratched vinyl record.

Astronomers announced this week that they have discovered sugar molecules drifting through the vast darkness between stars, confirming what children have suspected for generations: the universe is basically one enormous dessert waiting to happen.

Analysts say artificial intelligence may accelerate the expected wave of college closures, but the real disruption reportedly began when AI agents started enrolling in online classes, completing entire semesters, and graduating before human students finished setting up their passwords.

In a stunning act of journalistic caution, NBC News reportedly issued a trigger warning before quoting the phrase “biological male” in coverage of a transgender sports ruling, warning viewers that the upcoming words may contain traces of reality.

In a stirring display of political enthusiasm, Texas Democrats reportedly rallied behind Senate candidate James Talarico by chanting, “We’re all going to Hell!” — a campaign slogan party strategists immediately praised as “honest, memorable, and technically polling better than most of our economic messaging.”

A quiet neighborhood was thrown into absolute banana-scented confusion this week after nearly 100 monkeys escaped their enclosure and began roaming streets, climbing fences, peeking into windows, and generally behaving in a manner residents described as “oddly familiar.”

In a bold new effort to save the planet one perspiring homeowner at a time, British officials have reportedly ordered residents to remove air conditioning units from their homes during a 40°C heatwave, which officials helpfully clarified is 104°F for Americans who were wondering why everyone in Britain suddenly looked like they had been slow-roasted in a teapot.

Executives at CNN reportedly declared a “breakthrough in audience intimacy” after a new poll suggested only 2% of Americans rely on it for news.

Researchers now claim bug-based foods could win over reluctant eaters with just one taste, proving once again that science will boldly go where the average dinner guest refuses to chew.

Elon Musk has reportedly become the world’s first trillionaire, only to discover the shocking injustice that even a man worth $1,000,000,000,000 still receives the same 24 hours per day as everyone else, including people who still reply-all to company emails.

Hamas officials were reportedly scrambling this week to update their payroll department after their newly installed commander lasted only 11 days on the job, creating what accountants are calling “unexpected savings in the executive terror budget.”